IT'S OVER! I DID THE THING! I COMPLETED MY COMPETITION TODAY! I'm still waiting on the results and have no idea if I placed yet, but here's what I know for sure:
There is so much talent here at Nationals that if I don't place, I'm not even mad about it. I am so inspired by the pieces of art I've been witnessing!
When I did get on stage this morning, my costume was being silly, I ripped my hairpiece out, and I didn't nail my tricks the way I wanted to BUT!! This piece is very indicative of where I am today.
I was diagnosed with panic disorder a few weeks ago. I've been on an insane mental journey and the hot mess nature of the art I put on that stage is a beautiful representation of that (even though the hot mess wasn't planned). I would never trade ANYTHING in the world for this experience and this life that I live - even if I'm constantly nervous and nauseous ❤️
On a related note: I got the word "fuck" tattooed on my body.
Right after competing, I went to the tattoo shop to get the Panic! At The Disco lyrics "fuck a silver lining" on my ribs. Brendon Urie talked about these lyrics in an interview as a means of expressing a progressive lifestyle and always improving. If a dark cloud has a silver lining, it's still a dark cloud! So instead of focusing on that <1% positive part, go find better days!
When I walked into the shop, I just scribbled exactly this on a piece of scrap paper. The artist asked me if I wanted to practice a little bit but I said no because the energy held inside of the shaky handwriting - the energy of having just competed and not knowing the results - needed to be captured! It's emblematic of my consistently nervous nature 😎