On the Hunt for Meaning
Sometimes life inside my brain gets so bad that it physically manifests into vomiting, lack of energy, lack of will to really live (not to be confused with suicidal). It physically hurts to exist so I sleep for days. Today I got myself off the couch. Its like I have a mental virus that takes hold for days and turns me into a zombie until it loosens its grip. It's the marriage between anxiety and nihilism - absolute chaos.
My cure is and always has been movement. I studied logic yo, I'm quite fluent in that language and have the job / degree to show it AND YET THERE IS NO LOGIC TO FINDING THE WILL TO LIVE. So I dance. And then I watch what I did and find compassion. And then, so long as I consistently move until the zombie is gone, then I have control and I am filled with excitement again! If this is supposed to be my #lovelettertolife, then I think love can be ugly and heartbreaking and terrifying and gut wrenching sometimes. So here we are, life and I disagreeing. I mean, we still look good together and we will work through it.
"The fact that my life has a beginning, a middle, and an end is a really important part of what frames the questions about what I'm doing. In fact, living with limitations is precisely what gives life meaning. Life's meaning derives from the challenges we face. Taking away all challenge makes life completely uninteresting." (from Netflix's " Explained", episode "Can we live forever?")