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What is #lovelettertolife?

August 6, 2018

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What is #lovelettertolife?

August 6, 2018

 

If you can live your life without feeling the need to perform, please go do that and never feel FOMO about it.
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These likes and followers don't accurately represent shit about my life. I love sharing my art and I love to pleasure people - I love humanity and I want to give yall something inspirational but DEAR GOD do not follow me or watch my shit if it makes you feel bad.
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With or without performing, I have panic attacks on a pretty regular basis. It constantly feels like I'm drowning even if my life is okay. I've been on stage when it has happened, I've been at work, I've been in the car, I've had one just about everywhere! I'm constantly tired. They're unprompted so I just brace myself and practice breathing. I've had them for as long as I can remember but didn't understand it until much more recently.
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When I get on stage I can feel like the panic is worth it. I see people smiling and the little panic monster subsides a little bit because of the reciprocity of love that occurs. But I know it's just temporary and not sustainable or healthy.
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When I'm at shows, I wallflower and squeeze myself into the shadows as much as humanly possible. I share things because I want to remind myself why other humans and being human is worth the constant feeling of nausea. I feel like I'm trying to reach out and find others that suffer from the human condition as well. I'm worried that if I stop reaching I won't see the point in dealing with the nausea anymore.
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Art is beautiful and important and don't worry, I won't stop. But I don't want you here if it makes you feel bad. I want you here if it makes you feel better pursing whatever brand of happiness you find delight in. My follower count and number of likes can go fuck itself - if there was a way to make that shit private I would.
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Because my art isn't about me. This isn't my journal. This is my #lovelettertolife and it's meant to be read as a reminder of why it's worth suffering through all the bullshit.

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