You've Got This!

"It is not our enemies that defeat us, it is our fear. Do not be afraid of the monsters - make them afraid of you."

(Pictured on Las Vegas Blvd in Las Vegas, NV)

Every day of my life I wake up nervous or scared of some domino I've set up for myself. I often ask past Marilyn why in the fuck she made certain arrangements that are more bold and daring than some of the previous ones. When the moments arrive to engage in those arrangements I want to fucking vomit and run away, let my social anxiety and discomfort get the best of me. So in those moments I allow myself to count to 10 - as fast or as slow as I want, but not a single number higher. 10 counts of solitude in the car or outside of the building I need to go into. But once I hit ten I have to put that cigarette out and suck it up and do the damn thing. I sent some daring emails this week and am always flinching when I open my inbox. I live a life in 2 states, anxiety for the next big challenge I've set up for myself, and the absolute pure adrenaline high that comes from achieving goals that initially seemed way out of reach. You can say I'm an adrenaline junky of some sorts. Not the jumping out of airplanes type, but the making yourself vulnerable and putting yourself and your art out there type - ABSOLUTELY. But I am very rarely disappointed. When I don't get a gig or my art isn't received well, I honestly mostly feel relief. Remember that for me, just getting myself out there is a struggle so THAT is the accomplishment for me. Everything else is bonus points. The more you put yourself out there and open yourself up to the world, the higher likelihood that the right type of success will come your way. This isn't hopeful, this is pure mathematical probability. I love this city, I love my new life. My brain still glitches and doesn't always understand that I'm never going to move back to Wisconsin but my heart sure has jumped out of my chest and decided to throw its shoes off and drink a cocktail by the pool.

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